**TRIGGER WARNING: blog contains discussions of Schizophrenia and Suicidal Ideation**
Yeah, I know no one is reading this, and I get it. Youtube and vlogs have taken over the world, but this is my therapy.
It started when she was in high school, just a mere three days after her 15th birthday. She smiled, friends came over...she laughed, she ate cake and had a good time. Underneath, there was depression...there was sadness. Normal for a kid, right? We had no idea how deep Alice's rabbit hole would go...
We were sitting at home, her father and I, working (when I had a job...), doing what we do everyday. It was 5 November, just a normal day. As I did what I do on my computer and he did what he does, I received a call from the school. My baby girl, my 15 year old daughter, had been taken to the office.
A fight? No.
She had taken an overdose of medication in an attempt....
...to end her life.
We flew out the door and to the school. Before my husband even stopped the truck, I was running out of the door and towards the front doors of the school, held open by EMS and policemen. I found her in the counselors' office, crying and sweating, with a blood pressure cuff and oxygen mask on.
"I'm sorry Momma..." was all she could say.
My heart broke. She was hurting, and I did not know how deep it went.
It has always been my mantra, "Those who talk about it don't...those who don't talk about it, do". It was right in front of my face.
I comforted her the best I could. Don't cry. We love you. We are here for you. We will help you. We love you.
The counselor was surprised at our reaction. She told me later that normally the reaction she got was one of hatred and anger towards the child. I lived it my whole life...I just wanted her to know we were here for her forever.
To the hospital for observation, then to the mental hospital in the area (which I will never EVER recommend to anyone. This place is the horror movie location everyone has ever seen on TV.) We just wanted her to be better.
We had no idea the path we were about to embark on.
People tell me, because I am almost 50, that I should just 'get over it', 'deal with it', 'grow up'. You are stupid. You are evil. Until you live it, you have no clue. This is not a sitcom...this is not a documentary created by a person who has never been hurt and wounded...this is LIFE. This is PAIN. This is MENTAL ILLNESS. And it is REAL.
The different diagnosis'. The multiple different meds. The "psychologists" that are just going on a chapter in a book. This is not a thesis in your classroom...this is a human being. The journey has barely begun...
This is just skimming the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more to come.
Yeah, again, I know, no one will ever read this. No one will care. But I want to let someone, anyone, know they are not alone. I am here. I am living it: as a child, as a young adult, as a parent. There is an answer, and we will find it together.
As I type this, she is still in bed. More to explain, I'm sure. Life is hard...marriage is suffering...family is confused and torn...
...I still have hope.
I won't lose hope. It's all I have left.
As a massive insomniac, for fun I a movie recommendation:
Circus Kane on Amazon Prime. Way better than I expected it to be. 8 zombie moans out of 10. So bad it is good. Check it out.
Have a good weekend, my pretty corpses.
Until next time, this is your Queen Texan Zombie Goddess, wishing you health and contentment in this crazy world.