The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

intervention ~or~ how to go from sweet to eat in 5 minutes

When you have been friends for a while, you are allowed to cross certain lines with ease.

Not knocking before walking in.

Welcoming yourself to the food in the fridge.

Borrowing clothes.

But, there are a few lines that need to be tread on lightly, especially when the line never existed in the first place.

One of these lines is, of course, the "I think you husband/wife is having an affair."

That is a dangerous line that needs a *whole lot* of proof before lips part and words spill out.

The other one is the intervention.

I'm sure you've seen it on t.v.  Cameras follow someone who is shooting up in the school parking lot, having sex in the gas station bathroom with random truck drivers, etc.

They film all of this proof of the persons' fucked upness, then they have an intervention.  The bad guy, for lack of a better word, is pulled into a room with friends and family, they sit them down, give heart-felt pleas of "get help", and the sad soul goes off to rehab.

These things are good to do.  I've sat and watched them and thought, "Wow.  Glad to see this person is getting what they need."  Saving a life.  Getting help.  Especially with proof.

Keyword here: P R O O F.

NOW, here is what *not* to do.

This will save *your* life, trust me.

1) HOW:  When staging an intervention, have the other people you are going to pull into it on your side, ie, don't make shit up.  If you are going to say, "Your husband said..." or "Your child came to me and said...", be absolutely sure that these things have happened.  Not only that, but that any and all conversations have happened *recently*.  Don't stir in conversations that happened months ago that have already been solved.  Also, know that if you are going to do this, the victim person you are trying to help will more than likely go to those individuals you brought up and ask them point blank what the hell is going on.  This particular intervention maneuver is called "covering your ass".

2)  WHEN:  If you are going to try and help a person who is, say, smoking copious amounts of weed, the intervetion-er should not have just spent the weekend getting stoned with them, or have been the provider of said weed.  This should also not be done after you have gotten stoned then eaten all their food.  It's just rude.  I mean, seriously.  Don't scarf down all the leftover Chinese then pull this crap.  Not. Cool.

3)  WHERE:  Now, most humans do not appreciate being ambushed/trapped/backed against a wall.  They will not be very receptive when they can't walk away from you to get a sharp knife take a breath and re-group.  Places to DO an intervention: a living room, a quiet backyard, even over the phone.  Place NOT to do an intervention: a library, public school, a car doing 50 mph down the road.  After a few minutes, the person who is being told what he/she is doing wrong will start to wonder just how soft asphalt is and how many miles they can walk in the rain with flip flops on.

These things are uber important.  You have to have your shit straight.  Ruler straight.  The road to ruin is paved with the best intentions...and rittled with potholes...and road blocks...and wet tar that will totally screw up your paint job.

If you fuck up any one of these points, you will see an individual go from sweet....

to eat....

in less than five minutes.

Take if from your Sweet Texan Zombie Goddess, the receiver of this fucking bullshit act of kindness.

I may love the individual who did this, but I'd love you just as much with fava beans and a nice chianti.


Not the liver though....ewww.

Peace, Love and (hmmm, to grill or not to grill, that is the question) Zombies \IiiI


Debbie W said...

All good points...I think you covered it nicely! :)

Mina said...

OMFG! First, I am shocked that a friend would do something like this.

Second, I LOVE your special brand of sarcasm. You are hilarious. With these situations, the only thing to do is laugh, and your laughter alone probably saved lives...and future zombies ;-)