The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Monday, January 23, 2012

the rape of a classic

I am a horror movie aficionado. I *know* horror. I have watched the best of the best and the bottom of the barrel. If it is great, I say it. If I think it sucks, I say that too. I will even give some horrible horror movies credit on certain things. Not this one.

No way in hell.


This was total shit.

The movie I am talking about is one of a rash of what Hollywood calls "remakes". I call them garbage.

The newest bain of my existence?

Fright Night.

The original was amazing. It was funny. It was erotic. It was a good time had by all. This one sucks donkey ass.

The storyline from the original "Fright Night" with Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale and Roddy McDowall was raped beyond recognition. Colin Farrell is nice to look at and, if the people who made this film had stuck closer to the original could have been one hot vampire. Instead, it was a total joke.

The storyline was hurried. And I don't mean like it was sped up for action. It was completely disjointed and shitty. There is no background, no "oh my, what is happening next door?" feel. You are left waiting for someone to give you something, anything, to, for lack of better words, sink your teeth into.

In this version, Charlie is a fucking loser who turns on his best friend, Ed, who, in this movie, is nothing more than a geek with no "evil" in him, and is the one who discovers Dandridge's secret instantly. You never know how he assumes Dandridge is a vampire. There is no build-up to the discovery. Billy, Dandridge's handler, isn't even in the film. Peter Vincent, who in this movie is played by David Tenant, is a fucking Criss Angel wannabe. Amy, played by Imogen Poots, is now a strong-willed hottie who wants to jump Charlie's bones instead of the innocent girl she once was. Suddenly, Dandridge is creating an army of vampires. The sexiness of the originals' dance club and bedroom scene, where Dandridge is seducing Amy, a girl who looks exactly like another that Dandridge had fallen in love with centuries earlier (another fact left out of this one), are completely obliterated. Dandridge claims he is 400 years old, even though in the originals' sequel, Fright Night II, his sister says he was 2000 years old. The only idea kept from the original to this one: Dandridge's apple addiction.

God, this movie is shit.

Shit shit shit.

Granted, there are those who like to say that they like horror movies who love this. They also loved "Paranormal Activity" which explains *a lot*.

My friends, just because you "like" horror movies doesn't mean you *get* horror movies. This wasn't horror by any stretch of the imagination. It is a travesty.

So, there you have it. The rape of a classic. Horror movies are losing their true touch, taste and feel in lieu of something that doesn't actually have a name other than trash.

On the zombie moan meter, I get it -900000000000.

Don't do it.

You have been warned.

Peace, Love and (chris sarandon, why did you do a cameo in the shit?) Zombies \IiiI


Debbie W said...

Don't be shy Penny....tell us what you really think. :) Warning has been duly noted, I know you would not steer me wrong.

Texan Zombie Goddess said...

Debbie, like I said, if it had had *any* redeeming qualities, I would have happily said so, but it had none lol. Heck, I liked the ending of "Paranormal Activity 2" and I am a staunch hater of the entire PA series lol!! I never steer my friends wrong!

Martina said...

I figured they'd totally screw this one up. I won't even bother to watch it.
By the way, I refuse to watch Paranormal Activity.

Omg my word verification was pantst. That totally made me laugh. I'm easily amused.

Texan Zombie Goddess said...

Martina, I figured I couldn't bitch about it if I didn't watch it lol. I watched the first PA because I believed all the punetas who told me it was good. I watched the second because my oldest had held out hopes for it. We both thought it sucked lol.

Love your word!

nitebyrd said...

I had great hopes for it 'cause I do like Colin. Well, damn!