The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

ever felt like this?

I was wondering if I was the only girl out there that felt like this...

You put on your prettiest shirt...

Your favorite jeans that you think fit in all the right places...

Do your hair pretty...

Your make-up looks good...

You *feel* good about yourself. You feel attractive. You feel like you look like this:

Then in the reflection of a glass door or window, maybe you walk past a display of wall mirrors, you are shattered when you think you see this instead:

This is what I saw when I went to pick up my girls from VBS the other day. Had on my jeans, my favorite leaving-the-house-but-going-no-where-special-shirt, and felt okay. Then, I looked into the door before I opened it, and there it was. A big, fat, squishy, short, yucky old woman and dammit, it was me.

I have had weight problems my entire life. On top of that, I am ridiculously short. On top of that, I have a rather ample derriere and a chest that is naturally, I swear, 38G. I have always had a smaller waist, but when you are short waisted, it gets lost in bubbies and booty. I look down and I think I am okay. I look at myself in a mirror (quite on accident, I can assure you), and I see nothing but fat, fat, fat and fat. At my biggest, I have been 216. At my smallest, I was 98 lbs. I would kill to feel good about myself. I see larger women that look fantastic in my book; women like Queen Latifah who is hot. Granted, the world today has decided that any woman over a size 8 is extra large. That kills me.

People tell me to just love who I am, be happy, blah blah blah. It's easy to say that when you can buy clothes that fit. If I buy a shirt that fits my bubbies, it looks like tent in the middle. If I buy a shirt that fits my waist, my bubbies explode out of it. If I buy jeans that fit my ass, they float around my waist. If I buy jeans that fit my waist, I can't get them over my thighs. I am, quite frankly, screwed. And it is depressing.

I am in the process of trying to reverse the bad habits and bad body I have. It takes time, and that can be hard. Of course, you feel crappy because it won't happen overnight. I see other women who have two, three, four kids and they look unbelievable! Skinny, gorgeous, perfect hair, perfect skin. I just want to run them over with my car, and then scream at God for making me the human blob of playdoh I am. I'm just tired of being the one with the "great personality".

Just felt like venting. Do I feel better? No, but I am not going to eat my refrigerator either.

\IiiI

6 comments:

Pamela said...

I LOVE this post - there are plenty of women I'd like to run over with my car, too. We're twins - way too ample everywhere. I've been on the diet see-saw all my life and I get to the point when I think, screw it, this is me and I'd just better get used to it. I love to eat, eat out, bake, throw dinner parties, barbecue, sample, you name it and if it has to do with food, I love it. I am blessed to be married to a man who loves me just the way I am and I think I'd just better get over wanting to be a size 10 and start liking the size I am (notice I don't mention it here!).

Warrington said...

LOL! Love that post. I think most of us have felt that way at some time or another. I know that I have. And I love Queen L. I always wanted to be able to have her attitude- but...

Gotta admit- I've always put you there with QL! You got that 'tude baby! So work it!

Hugs!

MICHELE said...

would ya quit beating yourself up already???

you are perfect the way you are!

mich.

Lisa said...

Yes, I do feel like that. Pictures are especially bad. And now, on top of all of it, my hair is thinning on top. Greeeeaaaat!

Habits are hard to change, but you can do it, Penny! I'm working on reversing a lifetime of bad habits and God is giving me strength.

I've been terrible about commenting lately - see what a lazy summer has done to Lisa? But I'm here!

Those pictures are too comical! LOL

Diosa Del Desierto Corazon said...

Actually, I'm *not* tearing myself down. I have days when I feel like Marilyn Monroe but think I look like the fat lady from the circus. I am on the right path and I am loving it...doesn't mean I don't want to force feed a Twinkie truck to Victoria Beckham then run her over with it :).

\IiiI

~Byn There said...

Oh girl! We've all been there. The first step is realizing you need to make changes, check. The next is taking baby steps to new habits. And of course, realize that you'll never be 98 lbs again (not trying to be mean) but you CAN find a weight that is comfortable and healthy for your frame and stage of life. Damn those mirrors, anyway!!