The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Monday, March 14, 2011

once in a while

Once in a while, I get pissed off and fed up with my family, my home and the state I am forced to live in. The kids fight. Feels like the husband is never here. Nothing ever stays clean. I am far away from where I want to be. I feel taken advantage of, hated, used, belittled, small, old and stupid. Then I think about what is going on around me: people without jobs and homes...those in Japan who's world had been destroyed. Then I sit back and take a look at what I know I have:

~~I have a warm (relatively) home with full cupboards.
~~I have a husband who provides for his family and loves them too.
~~I have a 14 year old who isn't a whore, doesn't drink, smoke, gage her ears or shoplifts from the local grocery store because her friends told her how easy it was.
~~I have children who try to be the absolute best they can be.

Don't know if you have seen "Shrek Ever After", but, and I know this will sound sad, it made me think about all of it. In the movie, Shrek signs a contract to have just one day to be what he wants to be: an ogre. Not a dad, not a husband, not an attraction. Just...Shrek. He signs away one "pointless" day to get it, and loses everything. His wife, his children, his home, his life. He realizes that all the insanity is what really makes him him, and fights to get it all back.

There are days I don't want to be a mom. I don't want to be a wife. I just want to be me...whomever that is. Kind of like that movie where the wives give their husbands a "hall pass" from marriage. I want to be free of it all. Then I realize I do have everything I want and need, even if selfishness does rear it's ugly head once in a while. I know that, in the end, I couldn't live without my children or my husband.

Could I live without the constant mess and fighting?

Um, let me think about that one...

yes.

Could I live without Michigan?

Pfft, duh.

But I digress....

I am turning 40 in a mere three days, and I wonder what I have done with my life. I don't have a masters degree or some high paying job. No one is breaking down my door to be my friend or write me up in the paper. I do, though, have three beautiful girls and great husband.

Once in a while, I forget how blessed I am.

Once in a while, I remember.

Peace, Love and (wouldn't change it for the world) Zombies \IiiI

side note: those wonderful children, whom I am blessed with, fought me all morning to get ready for school and were all late. shoot me....

4 comments:

Magaly Guerrero said...

That is a lovely thing to say and feel. I feel the same way (without the hubby and kids 'cause I don't have those).

The thing that gets me down at times is my health. My body was damaged extensively during the military: a broken hip, a rotator cuff that can't be repair (I can only carry about 3lbs with my right arm), a messed up foot, breathing problems, a blood disorder... and well, you get the point.

When all my ailments hit me at once, I say the same things you say at the beginning of your email, then I think of the guys injured in Iraq who will never walk, the ones who no longer breathe, the one who have to pee in a bag... and I give thanks for what I have: Me. A little broken and in constant pain, but still Me and still here.

P.S. You can claim my Masters Degree any day you like. I'm getting a second one, so you can have the first. And, just so you know, I have 3 degrees and still make no money lol. Okay, so that's my choice. I could go back to a government job, but you know what? To hell with that. I would not change the joy of writing (even with the uncertainty of freelancing) for any 200K job in the world. I'm sending hugs, and a zombie in a pink daisy spring dress ;-)

Sorry for comment-jacking, but's your damn fault for writing such thought provoking post.

Penny said...

Mag@ I feel you girlfriend, I really do. I wish I had the confidence in my writing that you do in yours.

Thought-provoking post? I appreciate that very much. Way better than a "riot-inciting post" lol.

Debbie W said...

Sometimes it takes a reality slap to appreciate what you do have. :)

Jess said...

I am totally with you on this one! I have days, sometimes weeks where I feel like that. You put it beautifully!Great post!
Jess