The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Friday, June 11, 2010

no friday fill in-big ole downer

Usually I do a friday fill in here, but upon seeing it this morning, I just can't. It was full of perky sentences like "so and so is great!" and "so and so is something I highly recommend!" Believe it or not, my lovely undead readers, I *do not* enjoy being so fooking unhappy and discontented. It sucks, and I can't figure out how to get out of it. We want for nothing. My husband has a great job, I have wonderful kids (when they aren't bickering and being catty), I have a nice house, a car that runs and food in the cupboard. But still, my house feels like someone sucked the soul out of it. Anger and yelling and fighting and general pissed off-ness is eating us alive. God was such a huge part of my life and I was truly, genuinely happy. Then we left our church, where we thought it was bad to do what we thought would be good. So now, here we are. Barely talking except to argue and complain, "doing" God on Saturday nights and on the occasional Sunday. Wanting, desperately, to *feel* something, and only feeling something holding me back.

Call it what you will: being out of God's will, Satan attacking all my weak spots, karma, dandruff, whatever. All I want to do is sleep and escape. I am an empath, a person who feels other peoples' emotions strongly and wants to take care of them. I am a great motivator (hard to believe, eh?) and I run to the aid of others before they even ask. I have been screaming in a crowded room for so long, but all people do is look at me, walk over, and say, "Hey, can you help *me* out?" Of course, always will, but where is my help? "Have you ever asked?" you may say to me. Yes, I did. A couple of times. Know what I go? A pat on the knee and "Oh, we will talk later, but until then, this is what I need from you..." Later never comes, no one talks to me and God remains silent.

Maybe I need to do a blessing on the house to drive out the demons. Or maybe I am the demon...

So, there you are. I am a pathetic piece of shit with issues that I need to learn to resolve on my own. I want God back. I want to be happy. Yeah, I'm selfish. So be it.

Jehovah has left the building...


6 comments:

Debbie said...

Not intending to make anyone uncomfortable, but maybe you need both the God and the Goddess. They do compliment each other quite well I always thought. Summer Solstice is almost upon us ~ perform a ritual for purification, a renewal of yourself, release the sadness, fears and pains from your life....renew your energy. :)

Diosa Del Desierto Corazon said...

Debbie@ why would that make anyone uncomfortable? I think it is a wonderful idea. If you know of any place online to visit to get an idea of how to do one, please let me know :). Thank you so much.

Did you notice I didn't say "Debbie Downer" lol? I almost did, and then I thought of you and you are no downer :).

Stacey said...

Well, here's what I believe: Whenever we feel God has left us, or He is far from us, it is really we who have left Him. Now, I know that sounds like pablum, but I think it is true. I am a very up-and-down kind of person myself, and I have had very low lows. Major melt-downs. My poor husband! We happen to be reading through the Bible in a year this year, and we have just waded through Kings and Chronicles. What kept jumping out at me was how desolate and devastating it was for Israel and Judah every time THEY forsook God. All hell would break loose. He made it all very clear what they should do, but they just kept on adopting other people's "gods" and making idols, etc. This really speaks to me because I believe that we do even more of that now than they did then. It is HARD HARD HARD to wait upon the Lord. But really, that is what He requires. And I do believe that if we keep turning, daily, with repentant hearts, He will answer when He deems it right. And how He deems it right. Which is infinitely better than anything we can come up with! We are waiting HARD right now. We are in a bad place and want out, and there are no choices for us. But we are waiting. And I am determined to stay confident in the Lord and trust His faithfulness, even if my own is pretty sad sometimes.

I ramble... but I hear you and I recognise your pain. Please, please do not give up on the Lord our God. Let God renew your strength.

Just a thought...

Mejis said...

Get some sage and do a house blessing. It couldn't hurt. Our house is full of leftover negativity from the Meth Ho and you can really feel it.
I agree with Debbie about the God and Goddess. Why not have both? A father figure and a mother figure if you will.
Maybe you all need to escape the house for a while and do some family activities. I don't know. I'm not very good with giving advice.

Sleepy Cat Hollow said...

Hey Penny...

am glad you didn't do the Friday fill-ins, I'd much rather read your rants then read a fill-in. :)

I'm not quite at your breaking point, but I'm near me thinks. I truly hope you find what you are looking for...or it hits you over the head saying...HERE! I'm HERE!

Lisa said...

{{{Penny}}}

You don't say if you are reading the Bible or not. Whenever I feel like God is far away, I realize it's because I am not filling up with His Presence daily. I've been making an effort to read the Word of God every day (it's been Jeremiah and Ezekiel lately - not even such cheery stuff, lol) and it makes a huge difference.