The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

now i'm afraid

not personal photo...found on ether


Okay...now I'm afraid. "Of what?" you may ask. Of this whole "taking my weight under control" thing.

I know, that sounds stupid, but believe me, it isn't. I have dealt with weight issues my entire life, and because of that, have dealt with my share of eating disorders. I became anorexic going into my junior year of high school, weighing in at 200 lbs. On a 5'2 frame, that is pretty gnarly (like now *grimace*). For my junior and senior years, I lived on a large Tootsie Roll and Coke every other day, and by the time I graduated, I weighed less than 100 lbs. and a size 0 was too big. Granted, my parents looked at me and said, "What? There is nothing wrong with her." Yeah, real astute there, never mind the fact that I passed out while driving.

When my life went into a tail spin after the birth my first daughter, I became a bulimic. I know, it sounds disgusting and, quite frankly, it is, but once you start, stopping is damn near impossible. What stopped me? It is tie between throwing up blood and not being able to hold anything down more than a glass of water. I became such a pro that I could simply *will* myself to vomit. No work to it. This lovely disorder also gave me a hiatal hernia and GERD like no other. It also lead to the uterine prolapse that caused me to, at the age of 31, have a hysterectomy.

So now, here I am, fat as always and once again trying to get it under control. This time I am trying to do it the right way with this whole Weight Watchers thing. Eating right, exercise, having people encourage me and hold me accountable. Yes, my husband helps, but like he even said, he is a *guy* and they are incredibly different when it comes to weight loss. Heck, he can use the bathroom and lose 10 lbs. Bastard...but I digress...:)...

Still, those voices are starting to get louder. The "you'll never succeed" voice, and the "you will always be fat" voice and the "you will be a failure" voice. They are so very very loud right now. I am afraid that they are right, and all I will be doing is paying some group to do nothing. Granted, I've seen friends lose weight with this program, but we are talking about *me* now, a big fat nasty loser. Ugh. This sucks...

I cannot *fathom* losing weight and keeping it off. I can no longer see myself being able to fit in my jeans with having to tuck in my tummy. I am afraid that I will always be fat and miserable.

I am afraid.

I...

am...

afraid...

Carajo...

Peace, Love and (fat) Zombies \IiiI

10 comments:

Debbie said...

Perhaps if you start small instead of looking at the whole picture right away. For instance, if you want to lose 25 pounds....set your goal initially for 5 pounds. After you accomplish that, you can go for another 5. This way, you can celebrate accomplishments and the entire process may not seem as overwhelming to you. Just a thought....but you are stronger than you think you are. I'm sure of it. :)

Pamela said...

Listen to these voices - they are louder "You can do it, you can do it, you can do it". Need another accountability partner - I'm heading back to Weight Watchers myself!

Pamela said...

Oh, and I forgot, water, water, water, water, water, and more water. Yes, you will be in the bathroom every ten minutes for about the first week but it will get better. Drink, drink, drink...water!

Pamela said...

Oh, and I forgot, water, water, water, water, water, and more water. Yes, you will be in the bathroom every ten minutes for about the first week but it will get better. Drink, drink, drink...water!

Diosa Del Desierto Corazon said...

Thank you ladies. I wish I understood how my head works and why the negatives always beat out the positives.

Debbie@ realistic goals are a fantastic idea, especially for an unrealist like myself lol.

Pam@ I will be your accountability partner any day of the week!!! Yeah, water. Mmm mmm good lol

Wikked Wit said...

Oh gosh..you sound like me...certain days it just doesn't pay to avoid the Cheetos. My problem: My last child was such a beast, 9lbs 12 oz, that he stretched out my tummy muscles, so along with the extra 20lbs of baby weight...I will still have to retrain my tummy muscles back. It's no fun having someone ask you when your baby is due, and you have to answer "LAST AUGUST!" I was size 5, no I struggle in my 9/10 jeans. I have a gym membership, but too tired to go. :P Let's send each anti-snack vibes!! haha We just have to step out of the sad feelings and take ownership of our bodies!! :D

Sleepy Cat Hollow said...

Hey! Remember this?!

"I've decided to start loving myself."

I lost 60 pounds (still need to lose 100)...and it's very slow going. It will take me years to take it off, it took me years to put it on!

Cut out soda, drink lots of water, raw veggies, fruit...little steps, girlie! You can do it.

Walking...did wonders for me. Not the gym...just plain walking.

Diosa Del Desierto Corazon said...

Wikked@ all my babes were in the 8 lb. range, but I also had to have two surgeries (ectopic pregnancy and hysterectomy) so, yeah, the abs are long dead. I feel your pain lol.

Sleepy@ I'm working on the loving myself thing, I really am. Cutting soda will be harder than quitting smoking I am sure lol.

Mejis said...

I was obsessed with my weight when I was a teenager. It didn't help that I lived in Europe and everyone was so fooking skinny. I wouldn't eat for days and I also took those pills that drain the water out of your system...what are they called? Anyway, my boyfriend would steal them from his mom and take them when he needed to weigh in for wrestling and I took them, too. Laxatives were another thing...Thanks to all that I have a thyroid problem and have gained a few pounds here recently because I need to up my meds. It sucks. The healthy way is best and the weight will come off slowly but that's a good thing. It is hard to keep motivated, but I know you can do it!

Stacey said...

I commend you on lots of things: your honesty, your determination, your willingness to meet the difficult things head on. Good for you! I'm really impressed. I hope and pray that you will make great progress... but SLOW progress... so it will stay off. I have been a yo-yo all my life with weight. And I, too, need to get a handle on it. It seems to have a much bigger impact as we get older. Suddenly, it is so much harder to get gracefully out of a chair, or climb the stairs every time we need the bathroom, or walk the mile that used to be as nothing. Hang in there, Penny. You are a strong woman. And it's inspiring to me, too, to see you embark on this hard struggle.