The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Monday, June 22, 2009

release

Things have been crazy lately, and I haven't really known which end is up.

We spent so much time scared of Don being let go from GM, now he has been blessed with a fantastic position that will keep him safe, at least for a while.

We left our old church, feeling called to strike out on our own. Now we are alone and not sure where to turn, because we know there are those who, if we go to them and say, "We are stuck", they are dying to say, "I told you so".

The homeschool front is a bit odd right now. Stephanie is looking at starting 8th grade in the public schools and thankfully Si and Nana are doing fine. That isn't the part that bugs me. The part that does is the fact that, after teaching for the what, five years I have been at our co-op, all four of my class suggestions for the next season were denied with no explanation. Maybe they are just tired of me.

I have not slept more than 3-4 hours a night for the past week, and that sleep is broken and full of nightmares. I am absolutely exhausted all day, then when night falls, I am awake, unable to shut my eyes for even a moment.

Maybe all these things seem silly and trivial, but when it all hits at the same exact time, it just feels off and uncontrollable. Don and I know that this life isn't it, we aren't finished and where we will be forever. We feel like we are straining against chains, whether they are of our own making or not. We want release. I want release. I need it.

Leaving LLCN was a release of one type. Maybe not teaching anymore at co-op is a release of another kind. I am definitely being released from my sanity with this bout of insane insomnia.

My heart feels hard and I am jaded. The spunky, bouncy, annoyingly sarcastic Penny has become whatever the hell it is I see in the mirror everyday. Going to church the other day, they spoke of love. All I heard was "blah blah blah, bs bs bs." This isn't me, and I know it.

Where the hell did I go?

Have you seen me?

Anyone?

Anywhere?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Bueller?

\IiiI

5 comments:

~Byn There said...

sounds like you're in a serious state of flux. I can relate. hang in there, it always looks/feels worse before it gets better. clarity will come...eventually.

Warrington said...

Not sure what to tell you. Know that I love you. And that when you need me- I'm here for you.

Been a drift before- it sucks. But I am and will be here for you.

Hugs!

Jess Mendez said...

Hi,

I think that you will be fine, and I also think you may recognize a friend I posted on my blog.

So come and see it....

Jesse

AllyJo said...

What's the deal with all these "wicked" Christians in your life lately. You need to move and start over with a church who has a record of being loving and exhorting.

I've been there. It's a pain which ranks up there with death, divorce and bankruptsy. I never hurt so bad, as I did during those painful stuck times in our search to worship in a "safe" group of people.

I'm really going to pray for you girlfriend. YOu need lifting up.

Debbie said...

I have read your blog for a little while now and felt compelled to comment on this post. There is nothing worse than feeling you have lost the person you once were. When I was once lost, I used that time to meditate and reflect on the circumstances that got me to that point. As Gandhi once said:
"You must be the change you wish to see".