On Friday, I leave to go to the memorial of a man who treated me like his own. I will be there on my own, meaning that this is the first time to not stay at someone's home, but in a hotel room. It is going to be foreign to me to see friends and family that love each other and the one who passed, and not being mean and nasty.
Had a bit of an experience, for lack of a better word, a few days ago. Not to go into detail, these words have been etched into my psyche: Just be who you are. I am not sure who that is. I have spent 39 years building up a wall complete with barbed wire, moat, poison arrows, zombie guards and no door. I hide behind a cloak of sarcasm and dry wit. I am afraid to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, to allow myself to really feel anything. I am terrified that if I let myself be who a I really am, I will be destroyed.
I am working on my soul. I am trying to learn how to breath deeply, without getting light-headed and passing out. I want to tear down the walls, but still keep the zombie guards, just in case. I can be who I am but not become a doormat.
Yeah, that was all incredibly disjointed. That is how I am thinking right at this moment. Trust me when I say that it is all connected, that all the pieces fit together quite well.
Just like zombie parts...sometimes the ankle bone does connect to the neck bone.
Just be who you are.
Peace, Love and (breathe in and....hold) Zombies \IiiI