The stuff that little Texan zombie goddesses are made of, living where the brains are served warm and the sarcasm is served raw.

The Adventures Of Zuzu Zombie, Undead Detective

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

deep breathing

As I watched my two youngest leave the house to get on the school bus, I looked around outside. Car in the driveway...nice yard...warm home...food in the fridge...husband that loves me...daughters I would die for...the opportunity to stay home and take care of me and mine.

On Friday, I leave to go to the memorial of a man who treated me like his own. I will be there on my own, meaning that this is the first time to not stay at someone's home, but in a hotel room. It is going to be foreign to me to see friends and family that love each other and the one who passed, and not being mean and nasty.

Had a bit of an experience, for lack of a better word, a few days ago. Not to go into detail, these words have been etched into my psyche: Just be who you are. I am not sure who that is. I have spent 39 years building up a wall complete with barbed wire, moat, poison arrows, zombie guards and no door. I hide behind a cloak of sarcasm and dry wit. I am afraid to love and be loved, to accept and be accepted, to allow myself to really feel anything. I am terrified that if I let myself be who a I really am, I will be destroyed.

I am working on my soul. I am trying to learn how to breath deeply, without getting light-headed and passing out. I want to tear down the walls, but still keep the zombie guards, just in case. I can be who I am but not become a doormat.

Yeah, that was all incredibly disjointed. That is how I am thinking right at this moment. Trust me when I say that it is all connected, that all the pieces fit together quite well.

Just like zombie parts...sometimes the ankle bone does connect to the neck bone.

Just be who you are.

Okay.

Peace, Love and (breathe in and....hold) Zombies \IiiI

5 comments:

Diandra said...

Being who you really are is the hardest part. And the most beautiful.

Cogent Ascending said...

Good luck!
No matter the circumstance id deff keep the zombie guards. You can never have too many of those.

Mejis said...

Tearing down the walls and keeping them down is hard, but you can do it. Good luck!

LivingDeadNurse said...

can i borrow the zombie gaurds...maybe i can keep the man at bay...lol

glad your opening up and tearing down walls...just keep the fence up just in case...

Magaly Guerrero said...

I think we have all being there, at least once. The fear is not unjustified, this is coming from someone who (for some dumb reason) has never been afraid to love, and has nearly destroy more than once. But I think I bumped into the one who made all my earlier failures meaningless. I think everybody gets the same, eventually.

I hope a bunch of good people out there are worthy of you, and brave enough to defeat the zombies, so that they can enjoy the pleasure of loving you.

p.s. "The Outlaw Demon Wails" is my favorite Kim Harrison book. I hope you enjoy as much as I did!