You might be a bulimic if...
- you have the cleanest toilets of anyone you know
- you know what food come up the easiest. Grain-based foods like rice, popcorn, cake, etc., will get caught in your throat, while foods like fruits, vegetables and meats come up with no problem at all.
- you know what liquids will work best. Water, tea, soda and alcohol is best, while anything milk-based will turn the food in your stomach into glue.
- you go through more toothpaste than the average human.
- you plan the meals you eat by how close a toilet is to you.
- you can actually make yourself throw up without having to stick your finger down your throat.
- you know how to purge on "stealth mode", meaning that no matter how thin the walls are, no one will be able to hear you.
You might be an anorexic if...
- you know how to make people around you think you are eating with them while you are hiding all the food you chew in a napkin.
- you can mentally turn all food into moldy cowshit in your minds' eye, and convince yourself that that is exactly what it is.
- you can eat one thing and make it last all. day. long.
- the sick feeling that you get when you are starving is the most comforting feeling in the world.
I became anorexic my junior year of high school. My life at home was one of pain, lies and abuse. Before then, I ate the pain away. Then, one day, I just stopped eating. Stopped. I went from eating giant bowls full of mini marshmallows covered in butterscotch ice cream topping (no, really, I did), to eating a tootsie roll and a coke before Music Theory class and nothing else for days, and at times, weeks, on end. My parents watched my drop from 180 lbs. to less than 100 lbs. in one year, and told everyone that I was just fine...even after I passed out at the wheel and almost ran a red light coming home from classes one day.
I became a bulimic a short time after my youngest daughter was born. At this point, my father and mother had officially shunned me from the family after years of mental and verbal abuse, and replaced me with the shitster and her evil breeder. It was the only way to take control of an uncontrollable situation, at least in my eyes. I was breastfeeding at the time, so starvation was not an option. As ridiculous as it sounds, that is the way most addictions begin, whether it be an addiction to alcohol (done that), to prescription pills (done that too), anorexia (yeah, I'm one of them too) or anything else that is out there that you think will dull the pain.
Believe it or not, these things come in packages at times. One day, you will eat until bursting then get rid of it. The next day, you will feel horribly guilty for what you have done, and eat absolutely nothing to make up for it. Punishment begets punishment. These things are straight out of the mouth (no pun intended) of a bulimic/anorexic woman. Like any disease or addiction, once you have an eating disorder, you will always have one. You just learn how to tame the beast.
Thank God and Goddess I have a family that loves me, even through all my shit.
Peace, Love and (wonder what is for dinner) Zombies \IiiI
5 comments:
This is such a heartfelt & honest post, thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with us. I can't imagine what life was & is like having to deal with this disorder day in & day out, you're one tough gal ;)
My daughter was anorexic in high school. I can remember standing over her and forcing her to get down a bowl of soup because I didn't know what else to do to keep her alive. Through therapy she did get well. That was about 4 years ago. She is starting to get thin again and I find myself watching her to make sure she eats. It is very scary.
WOW
I had no idea, and then again, I know.
I would never ever hold it against you, promise. I feel it.
Read Tres Zapotes. Penny, I miss your comments. I had no idea.
I suppose your writings as educated, and transparent as they are, are so special. It hurts me to know you suffer. You were always so loving and caring to me on my posts, and I missed it. I suppose, I was blind.
But I worry about you, I hope I am not being too spoiled. Fuck I hate being rich...
Thanks for sharing.
love you,
Jesse
Lin@ thanks. Unfortunately, this is a beast that has decided to rear it's ugly head again, so I hoped that by throwing it into the light maybe I can make it dry and up disappear.
Bodhi@ I feel your pain and know how hard it must be for you. Keep loving her, keep talking to her, but try, as hard as it will be, to not force anything on her. The harder you push, the harder she will push back. I pray that this isn't happening to her again, and, if it is, that she gets the help again that she needs. Hugs to you.
Jesse@ you have no idea how many times you crossed my mind. I missed your amazing art and words very much. I am as educated as any blonde barrio dweller can be :). I am an open book, sometimes to my, and others, detriment. Thank you for your kind words. BTW, don't hate being rich...share with your Texan lady friends ;).
And because you keep your beast under control I admire you. And because you know that if the beast gets too strong you have people who will hold you and kick the beast to the side. Or at least hold it at arms distance.
I read so much about eating disorders, but it wasn't until I read Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson that I "saw" the horror.
I admire you even more now because you not only survived it, but recognize that you still need to fight it and you are ready to drop-kick the bastard.
Hugs!
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