The holidays are hard for me. I look around and see grandparents taking their grandchildren shopping. See birthday cards and gifts exchange hands Hear of vacations and sleepovers and cookies made in the kitchen.
My parents never had anything to do with my children...ever. There was one person who was the orchestrator of everything that happened between my family and I. I go through every holiday, every birthday, every moment, wishing it had been different. This person robbed both my girls and my parents of a loving, beautiful relationship.
I'm still mad.
I'm still in pain.
My oldest came to me one day and told me of a conversation that she had with a friend at school. The friend talked about her and her family going to her grandparents house for Thanksgiving. My daughter looked at her and said, "I don't have grandparents. We never did that."
That hurts me to the core. It is a pain that never lets go, no matter how old I get or how many years pass by.
It has been almost 10 years since my mother passed, and 5 years in January for my father. I hear all the time, "Just forgive" or "Move on".
I don't know when that will happen.
I'm still waiting...
Not Ready To Make Nice
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
Peace, Love and (i'm still mad as hell) Zombies \IiiI
4 comments:
I have always told my girls, the anger you carry doesn't hurt the other person, it only hurts you. It is like poison for your soul.
I'm not saying you need to forgive...forget...or move one. You are the only one who can determine when the time is right for that. But instead of anger, maybe you need to allow yourself to grieve for your loss. It won't make the wrong right, but it could bring you some peace.
Deb@ I agree with you 100%, and most of the time i am able to just deal with it, but the holidays are so different. I know that that probably sounds stupid. I am afraid to mourn quite frankly.
\IiiI
Nothing like being in tears at 6am... I understand this so much, my friend. The hurt, the resistance, and the need to let the pain take its course. I think most of the people who say "forgive and forget" have no freaking idea what they are asking.
Live and be you... what needs forgetting will be... in time.
I hate to be Mary Sunshine in this, but time does heel.
And great song choice for this post.
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